Why do I have to pay for a taxi to protect myself from men?

​Lets talk about safety, consent, victim blaming and male privilege...

Three weeks ago I decided to go out partying with my friends (I often do). I brought a bottle of cheap vino from Leith Liquor, spent half an hour bronzing and highlighting and seeing how many layers of mascara I could get on without looking like a drag queen and shimmied into my skimpiest black playsuit.

We talked about boys, listened to some 90’s music, took some selfies and headed on into town. We enjoyed our regular night of bar hopping, buying tequila shots we didn't need and pushing away grinding guys. At about 3.30am I was having my last drink up in Carousel when I decided the night was over for me and started thinking about the peanut butter on toast I would make when I got home. 

My friends were still partying so I decided to walk home alone because well, taxi’s are expensive and my legs work perfectly well (I only live 15 minutes away). 

Five minutes into my journey home I was walking down a side street; it was dark and there was no one else around. Eventually a red truck pulled up beside me and the driver asked me if I was okay and I replied that yes, I was fine. His windows were tinted and I couldn’t quite see his face. He continued to drive slowly beside me telling me I looked like I could use a ride home and telling me to get into the car with him. I declined his offer but he didn’t give up, he followed me for about five minutes asking me where my friends were, why I was walking home alone and calling me “baby”.  My heart began to pound as I panicked realising that in that moment I wasn’t in control of my safety - he was. 

Now maybe he was a good samaritan and just really keen to give a strange girl a ride home in the middle of the night. Maybe. 

Last night I took to town for a night of dancing with friends and again made the decision to walk home alone. Shortly into my journey and again on a stretch of road where there were no other people, a truck pulled up beside me and asked me to get in.  Again I felt my heart pound and as I picked up my pace to get away from him I realised that it was the same red truck that had approached me 3 weeks earlier.

I saw an incredibly drunk guy who looked to be my age stumbling around in the block ahead of me and decided to walk home with him in order to avoid being followed again by the truck which was still sitting up the road when I looked back. His chat wasn’t great and I had to stop him walking on to the road once or twice but his presence made me feel safe. 

When I parted ways with said drunk guy (didn’t catch his name) it was fortunate that Campus Watch happened to pull up beside me and asked if I’d like a ride home. As I recalled my concerns about the truck  I realised I should have taken down his license plate. Sounding almost as panicked as I felt, Campus Watch asked for my details to pass onto police who I’m expecting to hear from tomorrow. 

Anticipating this I’ve been going over and over the incidents in my head and talking to friends. 

Some said I should have taken a taxi home in the first place.. 

Why? Why should I have to pay for a taxi home when I’m happy to walk? Being a girl is already fucking expensive and taxi’s and tampons definitely don’t fall into my budget in the same week.

I spoke to guys who said I should always taxi just to be safe and girls who were ropable that we were expected to take special precautions towards safety when the danger is not that we are walking home alone, its that some privileged male has warped ideas about consent. 

We are not putting ourselves in danger - dangerous men are. 

So why did that man feel he could harass me? Because I was a female walking alone at night? Because he assumed I was drunk? Because I wearing clothes that showed off my body? (MY body.. which I should be able to be proud of without men thinking that its all for them or they have some kind of right to it) 

No, I had nothing to do with why this man was harassing me.

Consent, domestic abuse and male privilege is a hot topic right now In New Zealand and around the world. In Australia education around male privilege is about to become compulsory. It aims to teach girls not to be afraid of men and teach men and promote equal respect. This has been a long time coming and something that is needed in New Zealand schools urgently. 

Despite my friendships and relationships with so many men who I know wouldn’t hurt a fly and have the up most respect for women, if a man is walking behind me at night and I am alone I always speed up or cross the road to feel more safe. I’m not alone. A friend of mine used to work late nights in bars and walk home at 4am, she carried a rape whistle and said she always crossed the road if there was a man walking behind her. We were taught from a young age that we needed to protect ourselves from men, and men were taught this too. 

This is a problem.

Women shouldn’t have to be afraid of men. We ARE equal. Meanwhile in New Zealand scandals like the Cheifs rugby players allegedly assaulting a stripper sparked necessary conversations about victim blaming. Even if the incident never happened, as a girl I can tell you that my experiences and the experiences of many of my friends support the claim that New Zealand has a big problem around victim blaming.

Because i can’t walk home alone without being cat called and objectified by a man. Because I can’t wear a short dress in a club without a man I don’t know taking an opportunity to  grope me. Because instead of teaching men to respect women we seem to be teaching women to fear men. 

Growing up I was taught to be SAFE. To stay with FRIENDS. To TAXI home. To watch my DRINK. Not to dress PROVOCATIVELY. Not to go to bars where I might get GROPED. Not to get so DRUNK that I could be TAKEN ADVANTAGE OFF.

I was taught to be afraid.

Now let me ask you this, if we are teaching women to protect themselves against men what message is that sending to the opposite sex?

I was 18 years old the first time I ran into trouble walking home alone. I was on my way back to my halls of residence when a man I didn’t know slapped my ass as I walked past him. Outraged and feeling tough I asked him who he though he was, he reached out to touch me again and I shoved him. The next thing I knew I was on the ground with my skirt pulled up over my head and two girls were trying to help me up. Police told me I probably shouldn't have been wearing such provocative clothing and that they didn’t expect to find the man I described. 

I was humiliated, violated, and had a bruised rib cage to remind me of the experience for the next few weeks. 

My story is not unique. This happens to girls everyday. Young men seem to be really confused about their entitlement and what is and isn’t “consent”.

Matching you on tinder is not consent. Dancing with you in a club is not consent. Letting you buy me a drink is not consent. Wearing a revealing outfit is not consent. My sexual reputation is not consent. Kissing you is not consent. 

A terrifying percentage of Dunedin twenty-somethings think its okay to grope a girl in town and girls are afraid to speak up because they’re taught to take the blame. I know, I was one of those girls. 

I don’t want to be afraid of men and I don’t think I should be. Yet I go into town on a Saturday night anticipating the abuse I am inevitably going to receive from men. Now you might ask why I would bother going into town if I know thats going to happen but what you should be asking is why is it happening. 

Feminism is often perceived as man hating and the belief that all men are rapists and murders and this isn’t true (you’re thinking of misandrists). I know a lot of beautiful men and this is why I’m sick of having to protect myself from them. 

Feminism is about equality.  

"Hegemonic masculinity" teaches us that boys and men must be heterosexual, strong and emotionless and encourages the control and dominance of men over women.

I want a society that teaches girls that they are strong and boys that they are gentle.  I want a society where girls don’t have to feel like they should be protecting themselves against men and boys aren’t taught that men need to protect woman against other men. 

I don't want to live a life restricted by fear and inequality and I wont want to pay for taxi's when I'm happy to walk.