Lesson #1 don't book cheap flights | a post without pictures because layovers are boring.

3 days, 5 flights and several meltdowns over wifi (or lack there of..)

For some reason, it wasn’t until after a booked my flight home to New Zealand that I remembered painfully that EVERYONE, ALWAYS says not to book cheap flights.  99.9 percent of the time you wind up more out of pocket after booking a cheap flight than if you had booked that one way Air New Zealand flight which seemed sooooo extortionate at the time.  550 pound was a steal until you had to fork out for an UBER to an obscure airport because you’re flying via Turkey.. Okay, a small price to pay… until you’re forced to buy several coffees and 2 chia pudding’s just to justify spending 7 hours parked up on your laptop (writing this) at the only cafe in the airport which isn’t starbucks or cafe Nero, while you wait for your next flight to “somewhere in China”. If you weren’t so scared about falling asleep and having someone make off with your carry on (and the Duty free perfume inside) you’d be knocking back 175’s of Chianti at Carluccio’s but unfortunately you’re forced to stay awake, sensible and sober (3 things nobody likes).  Getting your boarding pass turns out to be stressful when no one art the airport in Istanbul has heard of the airline you’re flying with and after half an hour of shitting yourself you find out its simply merged in with another, slightly less obscure airline. For the first time in years you listen carefully to the safety procedure because you have a “feeling”.

    Because you have several 5 hour flights instead of a couple of long flights there are no movies. So, if you can’t sleep because the Asian guy beside you is using his ipad and grunting a lot well, thats your situation for the next 5 hours, there is no escape. And I hope you really like Chinese aeroplane food (Which isn’t vegetarian, even though you’re sure you paid for a special meal when you booked the flight..) By some miracle you arrive in China disoriented and hungry, but otherwise in good health. During your next layover, which is somewhere in China you’ve never heard of waiting for a domestic flight to somewhere else in China you’ve never heard of you can look forward airport staff who refuse to speak (or listen) to you even though they obviously know fluent english. Instead, they snatch your flight details from you and push you into all the wrong lines because they didn’t want to hear about how your luggage is being transferred over and you’re only here for a connecting flight. Exhausting as that if at least you can relax on a cold, hard airport floor (what are chairs anyway?) and finally connect to some internet.

Just kidding, no internet for you. There are 3 “freeairportwifi” connections which all require a chinese cellphone number to connect and you think thats okay, its unlikely that anyone is concerned about you. (When you arrive in NZ 3 days later, you’ll find out you were bang on about this when all your facebook notifications are from twizel recycled - the world doesn’t stop just because you’re in no mans land - everyone at home is still going about their day, trying to palm off their used rubbish for a buck - good to know) 

You eventually board a plane from “somewhere in china” to “somewhere else in china”, and you think to yourself “3 down, 2 to go” the rush of relief whenever something goes to plan is starting to feel like a drug (as is the withdrawal). Your flight to somewhere else in china arrives late and you rush to your gate only to find out you need to wait in line to go through customs… twice! After 2 gate changes you make it on to the plane and plonk yourself down in your previously requested isle seat “thank god this one lands in New Zealand”. Don’t get too excited though, you will soon be asked to swap seats with an asian lady who has a 2 year old child and needs the isle seat so she can sit on her knee without disturbing other passengers. Ironically, throughout the 10 hour flight, the child would spend more time on your lap than the mothers. 

Over the next 10 hours, you enjoy the rice component of 2 meals which are not vegetarian and drink too much cheap red wine out of plastic cups (minus one cup which the two year old spilt on your New Balances - great..) Fortunately, this flight has got movies. Unfortunately, the child you’ve inherited is quite keen on pepper pig… 

Well, you arrive safe and sound in New Zealand but the same cannot be said for your luggage.  You walk towards the baggage collect and not one inch of you expects to see your bag (these things just happen to you). You watch the same bag go around once before walking straight to report your missing luggage and consider that you’re going to spend the next week in your active wear because thats what you had in your carry on. At least you’re on trend. 

​You head to the domestic terminal feeling pissed that you paid for checked luggage and obviously, you won’t be checking any and you become suddenly aware that you haven’t eaten anything substantial for 3 days now so you devour some awful airport sushi (you regret it instantly, you’d rather be hungry). You look forward to getting on your Jet Star flight to Christchurch where you can act tired, important and outraged that they never serve tea or coffee but your sulk session is interrupted by several drunk passengers who are on their way to Christchurch for race weekend and just way too happy in general. 

You escape them at the gate where your dad and 3 year old brother are waiting for you. Your dad asks you how your flight is and you wish you could take back your honest answer the minute he says “Well, thats why you shouldn’t book cheap flights”