Koh Tao healing | a post about travelling alone...

Kia Kaha - Stand strong. 




The last time I posted I was on a ferry to Koh Tao and I wrote about travelling with friends. Since Hannah and I have since gone our separate ways (again) I don’t want to write about how I was wrong or even go into any detail about the circumstances surrounding her departure from Koh Tao - all you need to know was that it happened.


This post is about travelling alone. 


Travelling with friends will either make or break that friendship, this much I know. Travelling alone however, will make you. 


Being an incredibly social person, I don’t like being alone. I won’t even go as far as the supermarket without checking to see if anyone else wants to come with me. No one would call me an introvert. I don’t often need time to myself. I thrive being around people..

That is who I am. 

Knowing this I would never in my life have considered travelling alone and I would never have taken a chance on this trip if I considered it a real possibility that Hannah and I might split up - but I didn’t. 


I should know by now that you can’t predict the hand life is going to deal you but it still devastates me every time. It isn’t always fair that the universe doesn’t seem keen to go along with my plans but thats the way life it.


And so you go with plan B (and if like me, you don’t have a plan B well then you have to make one)


So this is what happened when Hannah left…


First I cried (shut up - you would cry too!) and then I panicked. I couldn’t go to London alone, I probably wouldn’t even make it through customs. How would I find somewhere to live? How would I afford a hostel until I did? (we originally had plans to stay with hannahs family friends when we got to London) How would I navigate London on my own? I would probably get mugged again and end up on the streets…

I was defeated. I quickly announced to my close friends and family that I couldn’t do it and I was coming back to New Zealand. 


Of course I got told no. My friends said this was MY adventure (one that I had already paid for) that I was strong enough to go it alone and I shouldn’t give up just yet.  My step mum reminded me that I left New Zealand because it wasn’t doing anything for me anymore; she said she couldn’t tell me what to do as I was an adult now and needed to make my own decisions (are you sure about that Rach??) My Dad told me he was be so disappointed for me if I came home, to remember why I was doing this and not to grieve for something that was only hurting me. My Mum told me this was the best thing that could have happened to me and that it would make me a stronger and more confident person. 


I couldn’t understand how these people could have so much confidence in me when I was having panic attacks on the hour. Then my friends got understandably fed up and told me to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get on with it (Hi Kathryn). 



So I did, I started researching everything I needed to know about moving to London. I read blogs (Londonnewgirl, you are my hero) and I started applying for jobs and looking for flatshares. I also stopped drinking, went to the gym and adopted a new diet of coconuts and muesli knowing that the alcohol in my system wasn’t helping my attitude or the way i was perceiving myself and my capabilities. 

I quickly understood that the first mistake I made when I left New Zealand (and before) was relying on Hannah for things I didn’t think I was very good at - organisation /navigation etc. Because the minute I was forced to be in sole charge of every aspect of my travel I realised I could do it.  All of a sudden I was confident and even excited about going to London on my own. I felt a security that I had never felt travelling with Hannah because I was in control, I was responsible for everything and there was no longer a chance that I could be let down by someone else. 


Its impossible to know what you’re capable of if you let other people carry you. Its even more impossible if you just give up.


I’m still terrified. I’m nervous about EVERYTHING and of course I feel undeniably alone; but I’m not scared of these feelings anymore. I welcome them. I know that they’re pushing me and challenging me and it’s exactly what I need right now whether I like it or not.


I’d like to say I figured this out on an empty beach in Koh Tao while I was meant to be drunk at the full moon party but in reality I probably always knew it. I now think that one of the worst things you can do to yourself is underestimate yourself, and sell yourself short because then you’re only inviting other people to do the same.  There are a million ways to say the same thing here but my favourite is “Fake it till you make it” pretend you believe in yourself and you will eventually end that way. Confidence is so valuable and if you don’t think you have it then acquire it anyway you have to. 


I have a long way to go here so wish me luck. I’m not naive, I know its not all sunsets and daisies from here on in - there will more tears and more panic attacks and I will probably tell my poor father that I am coming home at least 3 more times but I know have everything I need to make this work. 


I apologise for the deep and unfunny nature of this post, its not what I expected to be writing about when I left New Zealand either.  I owe a million thank you’s the above mentioned people who have pushed me through this from miles away - you guys are incredible.  


I’ll be boarding a plan to London in 3 days so if anyone has any advice I’m all ears and I’ll buy you a beer when we next meet ;)




All my  love from Thailand, stay warm NZ xx